Conversations With the Father To Be
You think you’re alone. Even if you’ve been dating him for years, the responsibility feels like it’s on you… “How am I going to tell him I’m pregnant?” You can’t escape thinking about it. “Will he leave me? Will my parents hate him? Can we afford this?” No one can answer these questions for you, but Birthmother’s Choice wants you to know you’re not alone. You and the father of your child need to take each decision step-by-step, together, as potential parents.
Birthmother’s Choice advocates for clear communication between father and mother, because you are not independent in the decision. Unless the father has explicitly removed himself from the situation, you can and should ask him for help. It’s important to start the discussion. Some of these questions will be running through his (and your) head:
Were we not careful enough?
Remember, sometimes even the best precautions aren’t risk free. You should never feel guilty because of an unplanned pregnancy; it happened once, but it doesn’t happen every time. The biggest thing you need to think about is how you’re going to move forward, rather than thinking about what happened in the past. Thoughts like these can create stress between even the strongest of couples, but a heart-to-heart about future family planning can help you work through the hard times.
Will we stay together after the baby is born?
You have the right, and even the obligation to think about your long-term relationship with the father. If you have been together for some time, a more serious commitment may be natural. But, you don’t have to make that commitment right now. Even if the father wants to be an involved parent, your intimate relationships and chance at true love doesn’t end at becoming a mother to his child. Decide what you want the relationship to look like during and after pregnancy, and then discuss your expectations with him. Be open and empathetic to his reactions, which may not be positive at first.
Where do we go for help?
You have choices on where to go for medical, emotional, and financial advice. If you’re looking for an OBGYN or a family support center, search your local directory for medical services and nonprofit organizations. Many specialize in services for pregnant women and women with children. Your partner can benefit from these services as well, so he may want to help you look. Birthmother’s Choice is here to offer advice and connect you with potential adoptive parents, if you decide adoption is the best route for you. But again, you don’t have to make that decision right now.
How will we tell our family/friends?
The fear of judgement, even retaliation from family and friends can be as scary as telling the father. If you happen to live with family, you may wonder if they will allow you to stay, if they will hate or blame the father, or if they will pressure you to make a certain decision based on their beliefs rather than your interests. Decide with your partner how you want to break the news, and if the reaction is less than compassionate, how the two of you will support each other.
Can we afford to have a baby?
If you don’t have substantial full-time job, and the means to add $500/month to your budget (the average cost estimate of a child in the first year), this can be a scary reality to face. Does he have a job that can support you in the six months after birth? Will your current job allow you to take maternity leave? Will you receive financial support from family?
Even if the father doesn’t stay and support you, these are questions you should consider for yourself. To begin these conversations, the best thing to do is to just be honest. Tell him the situation, in a private setting, and work through the decisions together. He should feel involved in the process, and his questions, concerns, and feelings should be carefully listened to and empathised with.
Having a baby is a blessing in disguise. This can be the moment you take a new step forward in your life, in your relationship, in your independence as a new mother. If you and your baby’s father need help working through these tough decisions, the staff at Birthmother’s Choice is here to help you.